It’s one thing for a man to get nasty and competitive, but for a woman to put down another woman? One of us? Why does that hurt so much more? Part of the problem is that women are supposed to be solid emotionally and socially, while at the same time being compassionate and nurturing.

It doesn’t just bother us that women compete, it’s the way women compete says Judith Briles, the author of nearly twenty books and a specialist in woman vs. woman conflict. Briles has done a number of surveys on sabotage and says backstabbing and gossip hurts even more when women are the perpetrators because we think we are being betrayed by friends. “The assumption is that we have been the underdog for many years and that we are all in it together,” she said. “When someone does something that is undermining to you, you take it personally. You think, ‘She was my friend. How could she do that?’ ”

There is a myth in our culture that women should always be supportive of each other. Women aren’t “supposed” to be cutthroat and brutal says Marianne LaFrance, psychologist and professor of psychology and gender studies at Yale University. “But, women can also be very competitive. It’s denying our full essence to say we can’t be competitive. The reason it stands out is that women are supposed to be very good at relationships. The assumption is that, if we are good at relationships, we shouldn’t be competitive. God forbid we compete with each other,” LaFrance said. “But, women do compete with each other. Competition is a fact of life. It just bothers us more when women are competitive.”

 But there is a difference between being healthily competitive and sabotaging other women.

We do seem more focused on our individual success, and we are willing to fight for it. We aren’t going to wave the next woman (or man) through and say, “By all means,” or, “You first.” Yet we’ve traditionally been taught to put our feelings second to others and be the ones who make the big sacrifices in relationships to make things “work.” Women have been the ones to say, “Your feelings matter more than mine,” then sacrifice a piece of ourselves to make it all better. Sometimes, we wonder why other women don’t put our feelings first, like Mom did. So, let’s stop expecting others to sacrifice things that we wouldn’t want to sacrifice for ourselves.

Instead of fixating on someone else’s competitiveness, become more competitive yourself. And don’t just compete against women! Compete against everybody.

For some reason, watching two women go at it to see who’s boss has captured the fancy of the masses ever since Anne Baxter took on Bette Davis in All About Eve. We see rivalries between female celebrities and news anchors and even the Royal Family. There is a lot of playing one personality off of another.

Just stay out of that.

Don’t single out other women for extra scrutiny or competition.
            The high road is not always a silent path. When someone does you wrong, say something. What’s the worst thing that will happen? He or she might talk behind your back, which he or she is probably doing already.
            Don’t be a victim.
            Support other women, rather than singling them out for competition. You don’t have to prove you are more intelligent, sharper, faster or more productive than the women around you.
            There’s enough success out there for everyone. Celebrate the achievements of others, rather than resenting them. There’s more than one prize out there to be had.